Tuesday, October 16, 2012

amnesiac


It makes two weeks today that i broke up with my girlfriend. 

I was reminded of this by a song I was just listening to. 

We were dating 10 days when I listened to Casey Abrams's debut album for the first time and I selected that one as my favorite song from it. So I listened to it quite a few times, associating the two. Funny enough, it's a goodbye song sang in a somewhat joyous tone. It's called Get Out.

These last two weeks, I tried to think about her the least possible, emphasising on the bad, which works fine, because I had reason to leave. But, sometimes, I think of her. How she's coping, what she's doing, that sort of thing.

I don't miss the person she was, but I miss the idea of her. 

Three weeks into the relashionship, I was already feeling like a amnesiac who's been pointed to the woman he was said to love and is scratching his head, trying to understand what in her arose such strong feelings in him.

But people told me to let it flow. She told me to let it flow. So, I let it flow, building my dam in the distance. I would know how to cross it when we got there. 

The dam was too high for one, when we arrived to it. The only way to get over it was by helping each other up and she just offered me one hand, keeping the other behind her back. I asked for both, but she said the other hand had a secret to keep, so it'd be better to take the one she was offering. That was not how I felt about things. There is no half trust.

We argued, she stuck to her guns, I left for the sunset, fuck the dam. If the relashionship was what it should have been, there wasn't supposed to be a dam there at all. 

But, still, you can't avoid thinking how strenghtened the relashionship would have become if she forthcomed the secret she kept, the ghost she put between us, and that remains faceless, to this day. 

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